SCM player skins Lost In My Own Mind
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For a long time my love, I have pushed and pushed the boundaries of what I have known to be safe, but for the longest time I have been pushing in the wrong direction. Backwards, backwards, backwards, always cursing each pothole I fell into that I’d created on my way through the first time. I figured that if I could revert myself, erase myself, I would be perfect, I would be good enough. And it took me a long time to realize that perfection does not live in invisibility but is rather created in the mess of all of our imperfections. In the dark, there is bound to be light, and if you have enough darkness to create oblivion, you have enough light to create perfection. So I have some things I need to tell you before the night grows too dark and my words start to slur.

It will be difficult to get me out of bed in the morning, I will be cold, I will be tired, I will have spent too many hours at night laying awake listening to the steady rhythms of your breath. But once I get up, I am up and at ‘er and I will make you breakfast and coffee and I will brush your hair, I will send the kids off to school, I will pack your lunch for work. I will kiss you goodbye. I will watch as you leave, I will text you once you reach your office, to make sure you have arrived safely. And I will love you.

I will put things off. It is who I am. You will ask me to wash the dishes at 3pm and I won’t do it until 7 pm. I will get distracted, I will think, well after I’ve done this, or this, or this. You will nag me, I will brush you off saying, give me two minutes, it will take me two hours. But once I do the dishes, I will also wash the counters, and the cupboards, I will sweep the floors and I will vaccuum. I will make our bed and throw the laundry in, I will kill the spiders hiding in the corners, I will hold you while we watch tv in the living room with our children. And I will love you, I will love you.

I will always burn the food or undercook it, there is no in between. I am a horrible cook, I will add too much salt or too much pepper or not enough of one or both. I will burn the pans and toast and possibly soup and I will ruin dinner the night your parents are coming and they will send you smirking glances from across the table. But, once they leave and the children are sound asleep, I know the perfect combination of flour to eggs to chocolate chips to make the best cookies you’ve ever tasted, I will bake them and eat them with you at midnight, dipping them in milk and then seeing who can drink their milk the fastest, I will wipe away your milk moustache and kiss you, together we will taste like chocolate and wine. And love, and love, and love.

I do not handle stress well, I am forgetful, I will lock my keys in the car, and I will spill something on my brand new shirt. In the same day, I will take eight telephone calls from four different publishing companies, I will cry, I will yell, I will call you at work because I am having a mental breakdown. I will spend hours and hours writing and cleaning and just trying to work through my stress and I am sorry that you will have to watch me unravel then try to tie myself back together. But I promise there will be days where I will be calm and composed and I will hold you when you cry or scream or sob or yell, I will love you through every fight, through every heartache, through every loss and gain, through every tragedy and triumph. I will love you, I will love you, I will love you, oh how I will love you.

I will wake screaming in the night, you have seen this, you know this. I will shake, I will cry, I will not know where I am. I will feel horrible for waking you at the same time that I am afraid that he is lurking outside our doors, I might ask you to check the locks, I might curl into a little ball against you, I might be okay. But it will not take long, before I lean back against your chest, and darling just let me hold you, just let me feel you against me to know that we are here, that you are here, that I am here, and that we are safe. That what I am afraid of is a memory and nothing else. And love me, please just love me.

I will change, like a river or a windcurrent or like the leaves in fall. As will you. Human beings are not meant to be stationary, or statues. We grow and change and drift like sands or tides or the moon. For a long time I thought that meant I could never love, because I was like the ocean and everyone else seemed to be like the shore, or the city buildings, permanent. Now I know I was wrong, that no one sees me changing because it happens so subtley, and I do not see it in others, all I ask is that we change together, all I ask is that when I am winter and you are spring, you wait for me to thaw. All I ask is that we grow together, like two old oak trees letting their roots combine in the earth no matter how far they stretch towards the sun. All I ask for in this life with you is happiness, and truth, and companionship.

And love, and love, and love.

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-  I promise you I love you// C.C (via tenebr-is)
"I’m clawing for you like a spider and its web. Entangled instead I am like a fly in a smothered trap, a fix I can’t resist. Rough actions but gentle words; grazes my tongue like sandpaper, caresses my body with all the wrong intentions. I moan when I mean to scream in pure agony but who am I kidding, I love the tightening around my abdomen as you perform magic onto me. Devour me, make me feel the closest thing to death. Your hands touch my waist, I sin yet again. On Sunday, I only get on my knees to pray (plead) to the superior for forgiveness a mistake (excuse) I take shame (pride) in. But God just doesn’t understand that one look from you I have no power. I am stolen by your only desire."
-journalofsixela (via journalofsixela)